hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I need a hoe opinion
go on
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
