I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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