My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My liver just had a heart attack.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
