I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
sex in a hospital.. check
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
