the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
smell my finger.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
