If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
