I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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