3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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