i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
