dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
