my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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