i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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