You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize