im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
