I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
