I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
