I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Randomize