At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
