How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
