time to smoke my breakfast
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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