He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize