Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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