high people should be assigned attendants
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
