Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
