the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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