we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I want her autograph on my taint
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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