I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Randomize
