what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
my shit smells like andre
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
