You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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