I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize