Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
