Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
operation harelip BJ is a go
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
