new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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