Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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