if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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