Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Randomize
