I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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