I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
