You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
