i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
