we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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