bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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