I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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