I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
