Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
