you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
