Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize