i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
