i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize