id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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