Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
