Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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