We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
