Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize