Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Randomize
