I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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