i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
