"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
