Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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