He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
